Ash

Yeah so I still write in my jounral.

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 02:06:43 GMT

I have to say Thanksgiving made me full. Joseppi, kids, and I ventured on over to Big Lake Wednesday and came home Thursday. We stayed with his parents. They are nice.
Haha lastnight Joseph and I ate a little bit of fungus and it was nice.

He told me things I have been wanting to hear and I can't help but wonder if he read my mind and that this is all a ploy to see how far he can make me go. I try not to think about him ot beig for real, I try not to think about it at all. I don't want to lose him. I don't want him go away. He is everything I ever wanted, so much so I feel like I don't deserve him. Everyday I fall for him more and more. I feel like I am in highschool again acting crazy and stupid and just obsessed with the thought of this stupid boy not loving me as much as I am loving him. Feels so good to be so in love. I also feel so stupid and scared. I just want to make him see that I can make him happy.

He told me he dreamed of me, and it makes me melt. I love him.

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:26:47 GMT

I want to take things slow. Because if I take it slow this time it will work. And God knows how bad I want it to work.

Life is a fucking strange complex fucking thing........and no matter what happens, when it all comes down to it I still love my life.

I feel like I will never have you.
That the real you will always be floating just out of reach.
and if I catch a glimpse you disappear,
as if there is some live and learn lesson your trying to teach
to make me conditioned to how people really are
or how not to chase a ghost
and the chase is on

Lord knows I love him

i keep my fingers crossed

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:02:14 GMT

I dont think I have wanted someone so bad in my life. The fear of this person not being around is at times really fucking overwhelming. He scares me, becuse he is everything I have ever wished for and dreamt about. I am so scared he doesn't or is never going to feel the same as me. The way he came into my life is so strange to me so it was hard to take any of it seriously at first. I just fucking jumped. I trusted him without even thinking twice about. He told me to stay here, to be with him and I did that shit. I felt like I was supposed to. I feel a different way towards him than I ever have anyone. I always wanted to feel what I am feeling. It is fucking weird. I am scared to even speak of the feeling I have towards this boy cause I am so serious when I say it scares the fuck out of me, I am so scared that it is't gonna be for real. I feel like I am so close to something I have always dreamed about. ahhhhh any fucking way. To make a long story short, I think I am in love, I mean serious love......the stuff little girls dreams are made of.

I looked for love and I saw it staring back at me in the oddest of places.
In your eyes I am happy in your arms I am home
I just want to be your everything baby
nobody likes to be alone
your the first thing in my head in the morning
and next to you in bed at night
and you know just how to touch me and to make everything alright
your eyes tear into my soul
id do anything you ask me anything

Oh Sweet Jane

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 06:59:18 GMT

We can go on vacation, yes we certainly can

and I can be a happy girl and you can be a happy man

and we can be a happily ever after never ending story of something like love

everything I ever dreamed, but may not be

you may seek to make a fool of me.

this boy told me he loved me and I think he is the only one that ever really has.

I leave this journal

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 22:48:30 GMT

So that people can read it and understand that in the event of my demise I was NOT broken by life, not brought down by a human soul, and only God can relieve me of my duties, obstacles rather on this thing we call Earth, in this thing we call reality.

Make Sense?

Bleeding while your pregnant is a scary, mysterious thing. As I have been reading on the internet of peoples various encounters with the blood clot kind, I have drawn a conclusion that 9 times out of 10 the bleeding was NOT a result of a miscarriage. It wasn't anything. So I have taken it upon myself to have a little hope but simonetaneously believe that everything happens for a reason. Let me assure you that this is difficult for me to do. As I am certain it is for anyone.

Wesley, I love you no matter what. I will never give up on you. Nor, will I ever grow old without you.

If you read this it may mean something to you,

and you may think it could be directed towards you,

well, it may or not be.

You are a good person, with a kind heart and almost overwhelming warmth of spirit. Sounds cheesy but it is quite true. I want you to know that although you did not get what you want, that you will in fact get what you deserve, and I promise you that one day you will not be sad, you will not envy, you will feel the love which you so deserve to feel, and I swear you will never be lonely. I see that for you. I see happiness for you.

All I want

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:15:58 GMT

Is to be happy too

If you were gone tomorrow I would never be happy again

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:30:01 GMT

I am so so so in love! It feels so great to have this feeling with this person I have felt like I have dreamt about my whole life. That little girl dream where you get married to the sweetest man, who treats you the best, who makes you feel that you are above all else to him ( but God). I have finally found that. FINALLY. This is the person I will marry, he helps complete the story of my life. So I know now that my life will have a happy ending.

Wes is in Louisiana right now working his ass off and I miss him so much. I have to wait another 2 weeks before I can see him! I can't wait to see him. I can't wait to touch him and kiss him and wake up next to him. oh I love this man. He is my everything. Everything I have ever dreamed of.

and life keeps on going and I keep on screaming for it not to

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 22:33:04 GMT

Is there really something wrong with me? I feel as though I am being pushed to believe that what is going on around me and the fact I get uspet about it is all me, that I am crazy. . Don't I deserve good things? Aren't I good? The way that I am. I can't help it. And everyone is always the smae so it must be me.

and yet I still feel....

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 20:14:30 GMT

...that there is definently more to life than this.

A day and A night ago

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 00:30:51 GMT

....... I love Wes. I want to have his child, I want to marry the man and I could never see myself with anyone else. However, Wes has a problem. Wes has been a dope fiend for 15 years. He has been clean the whole time we have been together until A day and A night ago. I have never felt so helpless, so alone as I did when he came back from Ballinger spun out of his mind. Apparently what set him off was the fact that his best friend called him drunk acting weird, which probably wasn't as big a deal as Wes was making it out to be because he was on dope. Let me just tell the whole entire story. So Wes leaves town at about midnight to take a trip to Ballinger and when he gets there he fucks up and does a little dope. He stays there for awhile, I wake up at 4 and call him because he wasn't home yet. I was upset. There were so many things going through my head as to why he wasn't back yet. So when he finally answers the phone I am already mad. This sets him off and joseph had called him right before I did drunk, rambling on about coming to the house and jumping in the pool and just being drunk. Wes takes it the wrong way and proceeds to accuse me of people being at the house, of me sleeping around blah blah. well he gets here and flips the fuck out everything he finds has to do with me all sorts of shit. Well to make this short, he ends up coming down and apologizing for being stupid. I just hopes he never does it again. He was hurting me...... I love him though. I know he is good, I feel it, I see it when I look at him. He needs help, someone to support him and be good to him. I will, I won't give up on him.

I need a job.

Alone and lonely

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 00:27:14 GMT

So I wrote him a sweet myspace message and he didn't have anything nice to say other than that I misspelled something. I feel like he really doesn't care but then I don't know why he would be staying around and workign his ass off. Maybe cause he has nowhere else to go I don't know anymore. I always feel like I have to beg for sex. I really feel like he doesn't want to have sex with me at all. I don't know. He doesn't pay enough attention to me or something or else I wouldn't be feeling this way. Anyway I am going to go smoke a bowl. I am seriously thinking about writing somethings today after I smoke to get my creative juices going. He is going to be gone awhile anway. Oh well.

-ash

Hello World

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 16:46:16 GMT

Well hell Randy is still texting me, but I don't text back I know he has issues and thats all well and good I just dont want to be included. Wes and his brother Jason are laying concrete right now for the Apartments we live in. Trying to make that rent money. I really need to find me a job. Anyways, I am slow cooking a big slab of fajita meat in about 5 cans of tomato sauce, one can of carn 2 cloves of garlic, half an onion and about 2 cups of rice and 2 cups of water. I have seasoned it was some worchestershire sauce and added some regular seasoning. Hopefully it will taste alright. It already smells delicious. Wesley is workign hard I wish I had the money to buy him something to let him know how much I appreciate him. I love him so much. Well I am gonna go now. Later on

-Ashley

Smoking good dank.

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 04:03:44 GMT

It's raining I have some awesome dank, some classical music, and I am fixing to curl up with a book the only thing missing is Wesley and he is sound fucking asleep. I wish he acted like he did when we first met. I know he loves me though. Cause I love the shit out of him. Well the dank is calling I will be hittin this thing up more often. No one will find me here lol.

Today I Spoke to God

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 03:16:36 GMT

.....and everything I said I sincerely meant. Life is good. Thank God.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 03:11:03 GMT

swimming around in this thing I call my head
instead of thinking straight I have been drowning instead
sometimes I want to let go, I just want to go away
but I know that can't happen I just got to stay

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 07:04:28 GMT

Wow no one uses livejournal but i still look every now and then.

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 17:25:53 GMT

Happy Birthday to me.

March 4 I turned 20 .

wee

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 04:50:17 GMT

what sucks about trusting people in general is thinking that you know someone so very well, and then somehow you get these glimpses of their true self and you get that sinking feeling in your stomach that all you thought you knew was a lie, and then suddenly the lie reveals itself, and the true person is actually a total opposite from the person you thought you knew everything about.

Yeah so. This happened to me. Today. And it broke my heart.

See if you can put a scene together in your head with this quote from todays wonderful event of someone being caught and utterly ridiculous lie.

" Well if you hadn't had looked through my wallet, you would never have known what I did and everything and you wouldn't be bitching right now"

And that was an honest to God excuse from someone who I thought I knew trying his best, in his own dumbass way, to convince me that lies are best to be left alone and believed than revealed. And secrets are better to keep from the ones that you love,then shared with them.

I have realized, as I have so many things, that I am a way too trusting person. In all actuallity I honestly thought I was not so gullable. Guess I don't even know myself that well.

This person, whom you all probably know who I am talking about but I don't want give the satisfaction to by putting his name anywhere in this post, is the most chronic liar I have ever known, save my father, but this is not a post about him. This boy who I thought I know has been given everything that he could possible be given, children, a home, food, clothing, love, security, a family. All I ever get back in return is shit. Like always. Like I have from any guy I have ever done anything for. It breaks me down to know that there are people on this world that are so ungrateful for what someone else, and their family, has done for them, it makes me sick that I ever became involved with him. The only blessing are my children, one of which has yet to be born.

This has been a very rude awakening to me. But now I know at some point in time I need to break the tie with the scum and be off on my own. Maybe after the baby is born. I can do it on my own. All this that has happened to me only motivates me more.
Maybe even later on down the road when my children are a little older I will find that someone I have been looking. Someone honest, someone dependable, someone who appreciates everyone who has ever done anything for them, someone who can support themselves, someone with an education, someone i can hold a conversation with.
Someone to love.

Life is a very very hard thing, it make sme so weary sometimes. Thats when pull up my livejournal and start typing away. Ranting and Raving. But all of this I mean.
I just have know one else to talk to and since everytime I open my mouth to tell the scum how I feel about something he tells me to shut up, Livejournal is really the only place to go.

People Suck.

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 17:36:38 GMT

Be forwarned this entire entry concists of nothing but me bitching.

Well, My mom and my sister are hermits right? Yes they are. And you don't ever #### with hermits. You dont ever change up their little world or man they will nuts. And I do mean nuts. Aside from the fact my sister is already a seriously spoiled brat, being a hermit doesn't ehlp her problem. I mean she doesn't do a godamn thing she doesnt even hang out with her friends. She sits at home everyday in the same chair and watches television for 6 hours. She hangs out with no one, doesn't go outside. Hermit.
And lastnight I saw what happens when you dfisrupt a hermits solitary living style. She was going to take a shower at like 10:00 p.m. lastnight, and that was cool, I was about to put Gabriel to bed and seh wants to listen to her freaking stereo, we share a mutual bathroom which is connected to my room. So I said no dont listen to it Gabriel is trying to sleep. And she went CRAZY. She was freaking out and said I used to be able to listen to my stereo, I wish you guys wern't living here. Yeah and my mom didnt even care she said that. It was like Whatever ashley sucks and is annoying so we have to put up with it till she leaves. It's like i am always being told to have consideration, but even when I ask for a common courtesy I still get the ass end of things.

yeah it sucks living with hermits

Wee

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 22:52:09 GMT

Does anyone have any furniture they are selling or know of anyone with living room furniture they are selling? I am in need of A couch and recliner/chair
also I need a chest of drawers for my children's room.
Thanks!

YAY! New apartment!

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 22:32:31 GMT

I will be moving into an apartment the 12th of March YAY!!!!!!
It's huge, a 2 bedroom at wildwood for 725 a month All Bills Paid.
I am so excited.

Yeah I just wish I had friends to invite over :(

hmmm

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 20:58:10 GMT

I get my hefty refund in about 3 weeks and I really don't know which apartment to look into. Is there anyone that I should look into first. Any one that you would #########?

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 15:20:41 GMT

I hate Anthony.

I think what I have done is push down the thought that Anthony is the reason my life sucks, and now that it is getting harder and nothing with him has changed, I cannot push down the thought any longer. I have come to a nasty realization that Anthony is the real cause or stem of any stress that goes on in my life. It's like we are tied together with a rope and he is sitting down and I am trying to run as fast as I can pulling his ####### weight and frankly, I am sick and goddamn tired as well as exhausted. I don't need a boyfriend. I especially don't need Anthony's ####.

oh well

-Ashley

Life really really sucks sometimes

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 15:23:15 GMT

Yeah so I hate living with my mom. Because..... it feels just like highschool ...again...and blah blah, my boyfriend sucks, my car sucks, I am an idiot and worst of all Satan himself lives in the room next to me. The only thing that keeps me going is Gabriel. Who is now one. And is so handsome and loveable. I feel bad for him because he went from being around nothing but me and Anthony fighting and screaming to being around this crotchedy old woman and her screaming and yelling, the child is going to be scarred and it's all my fault. But what was I supposed to do, and where in the hell was I supposed to go. I only get 1 thousand back for Tax refund, which by the way is another sucky thing. I wanted to get away from here all this, and Anthony. Just me Gabriel and the unborn baby disappear and reappear in a place where everything would finally finally be ok. Talk about a dream deferred. I think depression is usually staged by people, but honestly I think i am coming down with a bit of it. I feel like I am lost and here I have this little boy I am dragging along being lost with me. I am tired of being lost. I am tired of hostility. I am sick and tired of San Angelo. I just want to be happy again. It has been so very long since I have had fun or just an honest to God good laugh.

oh well such is life right?I figure ti sucks for everyone anyway.

oh and I am having a girl, so now I will have a set.

I have yet to think of any names.

Arg Work Work Work

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 20:27:10 GMT

AT Sitel.

Yeah this job is alittle difficult but hey I do get a bonus.
Sometimes I do miss Denny's, such easy money.

My son has a Dr appointment today, hopefully his ear infections are all cleared up.

He is driving me nuts I cannot, for the life of me, get him to eat solid food. I was however able to get him off the bottle onto sippy cups. But he just will not eat solid food baby food or otherwise.

my moms house is too cold for me, thats why I need to move, I think that is why Gabriel has benn so congested too.

Oh well I wish I had someone to talk to.....on live journal.... I guess I will just keep posting and being ignored. Just kidding I could care a less. No one really posts anymore, so it's like i have live journal all to myself.

oops break time is over

later